Decisions are Tough

A little over 2 months ago, I was referred by a client to a friend for "business"- respectable business mind you. It seemed like I could actually learn from my mentor (what that friend called herself). She was that good. Things got in the way, like accreditation of certain hospitals..tsktsk and the responsibilities piled on me, whew! They were hard to bear because I kept pushing for perfection (to no avail, I learned) so I decided to halt our connection or association thinking that it was just for a time but until now, I still haven't contacted her back..(shame).. So I decided to make a stand- against warring thoughts- that instead of picking up where we left before the accreditation, I will have to make my career outside the country bloom.
Move forward!
In case you're wondering about my mentor, she's what we call here part of a pyramid.. (scam? I dunno..) It would have allowed me, after a good number of years, to actually earn enough money without going outside the country for work because it will be able to sustain me and my family already. So I erased second thoughts about my decision and decided to learn to keep my enthusiasm for work here until such time that I'm ready to go hunting (outside the country work, eheh).
It's not like I don't like to go exploring or travelling.. I like them but the chances of having great adventures while you're working full time with different time frames is almost nil. Uhuh, my life's that boring...but some of the times me and my friends did manage to travel, I enjoyed it. Who doesn't love a good vacation, eh?
So that's my silver lining right there.
My mentor (redundaaaaant) actually had one homework for me to do before our fated separation.. To list 100 things you would like to do in your lifetime in a small notebook. I just remembered it and decided to give it a try. If you can't do all of them, at least you've done some. Life prioritizing.
So yeah. Here I am thinking hard on what to write and put in my notebook.
Who else is practicing this? I know only one person aside from my mentor who's writing a small bucketlist of her life. That's what it is right? A bucketlist.

 Fave happy colors to inspire me. (^o^)

This was actually written 12/10 at 1:10 am.. just so I'll remember. ^^

Sloth. Envy. I just realized these are my main problems in life. 

Recently I read Sandra Hill's vangels books about the VIK with the seven deadly sins tainting them...I came to the conclusion (finally) that sloth and envy are my two weakest links..they are actually what keeps me from growing as a person! (uhuh..deep thoughts coming)...

Upon recollection of past week's events, I realized that for me, I was quite busy-dec 4 to 6, I just kept reading some books I downloaded ie. you know.. the above books about vangels. I read on and on, even after realizing that sloth is one of my problems (the second book homes in on that after all). I kept reading and lounging in bed so that by the time- or date- our electricity bill was due, I p.a.n.i.c.k.e.d..but thankfully I arrived in time to pay. (wheeeewww! that) TA-DA! close call. Nevertheless, it let my spirits down.. realizing what a contemptible person I've become to allow something like reading for pleasure to detract me from my responsibilities.. (self hate? nah) The second realization I had (remember envy?) came when I saw Rorouni Kenshin (uhuh! eat that! ^^,). I envied a lot of things there. His skills- especially in the kitchen, their capacity to survive in such trying environments and still triumph! I envied the way they seemed to fly, slide, fight (I'm shallow that way hehe), I also envied the leading lady (who doesn't?), but most of all, I envied the actor playing the protagonist- he's younger than me by one year and success and all the good stuff seems to be getting in his way! 

Then I began pondering, thinking and delving deeeeeep to know what I lack. Pretty obvious now-remember sloth and envy? I realized that the cycle of 1) sloth- not doing everything I need to do. Or w.o.r.s.e., leaving it for another day, another week, then a year (HAAD?), all for the sake of letting comfort-mine- come first. It's usually, "Ooohh..it's a long time before I can get to save some money to take the test so I'll just put it off for now" (when I can actually pay it with half my monthly salary), then there's "I don't feel like studying yet. My friend studied but she didn't make it.. I'll just take the test when I'm ready".. all this happening in my head while I lay lounging in bed, reading nonsense books (really..r.e.a.l.l.y, how many romance novels can you stomach reading in a day?), then I view IG, then youtube (even if there's nothing new from subscriptions), and even sometimes just staring at google and typing anything that would pop in my mind- sense of being adrift in my own world where everything is routine now and in general, letting life pass me by. I am discontent but too lazy to do anything about it now. What are dreams if you do not wake up and start making them come true? 2) I envy some people.. even co workers doing things like sidelines (private legal ventures) to boost their incomes. I envy them but I don't know and don't have the motivation to actually move forward and initiate something to propel me to success. I get discouraged.. envy then sloth, ooohhh they have bigger earnings..but it will take too much time for me to do that.. ooohhh they have bigger income.. but it's to bothersome to try it out.. see? a cycle.. 

I dunno what happened to me but let me tell you, I was quite an enterprising kid. Selling pens to fellow classmates who have the tendency to lose theirs. (due to carelessness, not sabotage on my part! hehe) then selling prepaid load- which became tedious in the end because I needed to reload my credits in order to have something to load with.. and others.just.Won't.PAY! (bullies!!)

So I think back and ask myself- what pivotal, significant event in my life changed me to this seemingly boundless person? I dunno. Hazard a guess.

Maybe because my energy wasted away while studying in nursing school? Or maybe for the board exams? Or maybeeeee... working in an unappreciative environment (my opinion only!)? who knows?

All these realizations will do nothing for me- except make me realize and to remind me over and over- of how my life's turning out unpleasantly (if I say so myself eh?) and we just don't know, this maybe my ticket to help me become proactive and begin searching again for that elusive inner peace (reeeaalllyyy now?) and contentment- maybe even success? Dare I hope? Heh. It's all getting muddled up now. It's almost 4am (yeah    it took exactly that long), and my eyelids are drooping. I just wanted to get these thoughts out. Categorize and sort through them even though it's kind of convoluted (and I'm beginning not to see the point)..I will look at this as a new start. This entry might just be the one to tip this clueless and boundless boulder- aka me- to move and put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time and to take a few innocuous events as new opportunities to be grabbed, used and enjoyed.

Towards success!! 

Now let's imagine Kenshin's (takerruuuu's~) peaceful smiiiilllleeee..

P.S. a little creativity for today.. inspired by.. rubikscube907 from youtube!! yey! ( hope u don't mind my sharing of this project..)